One, Two, Four, Eight


Geese are creatures that one expects to be more congenial and photogenic than they actually are.

In fact, they are obstreperous, ornery, noisy, and messy creatures and it takes a certain amount of determination to find the beauty in them. Take a gander at the look in this one’s eye. Darned if that bird isn’t saying “Don’t tread on me!”

If you get too close to them they hiss like a pissed-off cat, and if you really rile them they will step right on up and viciously stab your ankles and shins with their bony beaks. On the other hand, show up with some bread and it’s like Black Friday morning at Best Buy. They will run right over each other and you to get at the goodies. I saw a woman drop her bag of bread and run for it. They kept coming.

Makes you wonder if the fascists were on to something inherently terrifying about the goose step.

Two geese on the grass.

Here I show the recommended manner in which to enjoy geese. There are only two of them, and they are a safe distance away. This renders them picturesque and harmless. Just don’t follow them for a stroll on the green in your sandals, because you will soon be wiping goose shit from between your toes. They are tremendously productive, if you get my drift.

Four geese grazing.

Here we see a gaggle of geese deceptively making like bovines. Do not be deceived. They do this to ensure you will be maximally startled when the high-decibel honking commences.

Geese queue up to follow the leader.

A second before this photograph, these geese were milling about aimlessly in the pond hoping for manna to drop from heaven (in the form of bread from people standing in the gazebo above them). In the blink of an eye, the disorganized mob—for no apparent reason—formed up into this orderly queue and progressed across the way to exit the water and commence its cow impersonation. Why? I’m telling you, there was something uncanny about it.

To sum up: Geese, do not trust them.

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5 Responses to One, Two, Four, Eight
  1. David Memphis MOJO Smith
    July 17, 2011 | 1:30 pm

    “Take a gander at the look in this one’s eye.”


  2. Dale
    July 17, 2011 | 1:47 pm


  3. NT
    July 17, 2011 | 2:07 pm

    Heh. Couldn’t resist.

  4. --S
    July 19, 2011 | 5:18 pm

    Geese are pure evil. Had one camp make a nest in a bush just outside the door to an office I owned. Had to run the business out of my house until breeding season was over because nobody could get into or out of the building without being attacked by the evil creature.

    Similar happened on a golf course. I was looking for my ball after an errant shot and three geese, all seemingly as large as my car, rushed me and started pecking the crap out of my legs.

    It’s illegal to harm them (at least in the state I lived in at the time), even in self defense!

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